My Poly Set-Up
by Mx Ruby-Rouge
Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts will be found at www.polymeansmany.com . This month, our topic is “My Poly Set-up”.
Polyamory, like the best things are life, is somewhat fluid and change depending on needs and wants of those involved. My current poly set-up isn’t how I imagined it would be when I started on this road a few years ago, and to some extent I’ve only recently figured out what I want from my relationships at this time in my life.
From the beginning, some things have been constant. My husband and I have a relationship hierarchy, because that’s what works for us. To that end, we’ve never been looking to meet anyone who might become a primary; or rather anyone who wanted certain things from us such as cohabitation, marriage or children etc. We’ve never been interested in forming a poly household, or being involved in group relationships (although we were once in a triad, but that’s another story). From the start we were primarily looking for romantic relationships with people on a part-time basis, but in our minds, that the relationships were full and held simultaneously. Any inter-relationships were incidental and not sought; we’ve never been unicorn hunters. We were interested in play partnerships but primarily focused on seeking serious romantic/sexual relationships.
As it turns out, things happened rather differently to what we expected or anticipated might happen. We’ve never managed to ‘live the dream’, as in, both have at least one long term, serious partner that felt really entwined in our lives at the same time. My husband’s job was insanely busy for the best part of four years, and he barely had time for himself, let alone for me or dating other people. I dated and had relationships with people but things never felt quite right, either we lived too far away from each other, or our kinks didn’t click right, or just not being in the right place at the right time. I met some wonderful people, had some great times and I have a bunch of people I care for very deeply as a result. But I have also worried that maybe I wasn’t polyamorous at all, maybe I wasn’t suited to multiple romantic relationships, or maybe I just sucked at them. In time, and with introspection and talking to lots of people I trust, I realised that I love lots of people, in lots of ways, and that distance has been a big problem in all of my relationships. I realised I had a much easier and more relaxed time in my kink play-partnerships, and so that’s what I decided to focus on at a time when my vanilla life was insanely busy with work and study.
Which leads me to my current set up. I am married to my primary partner, husband and submissive, EGB. We’ve been together for over six years and married for nearly three. We live together (and have done since very early on) and look after our cat Frodo. EGB doesn’t have any other significant others (to my great sadness, but to his indifference) beyond his love of Philosophy. I have a group of connections that vary quite a lot from person to person, but the common thread is that they are built around deep loving friendship and mutual kinky interests. My oldest partnership is with Subaru, who used to be in the triad with me and EGB three years ago, but now has her own long term partner, and we hang out once a month or so for rope time, movies and pizza. Then there’s my partner Legibus, who I’ve dated for about nine months, and our connection has recently evolved into a D/s based friends with benefits situation. I escape the stress of daily life by running away to his flat a few times a month, and we enjoy kinky time and cuddles and arguing about various geeky things. Finally there’s my rope-partner jasminejam who I tied for the first time last year, and the connection was insanely intense right from the start. I’ve been tying and torturing her (consensually) ever since.
Due to the nature of my kink orientated polyamory, there are various folks on the periphery that I play with sporadically, or that I tie. every now and then. These people always mean a lot to me, and I love them in various ways; a friend, a friend that I’ve tied, a friend I’ve dated, loved and now tie. There are my metamours, current and former, and as my former partners are still involved in my life, so are they. Many of my friends, metamours or ex partners have dated or played together, and whilst that can sometimes be trying emotionally, it’s a small price to pay. I can go to a rope event and see one of my best friends (and boss) tying one of my ex partners, and one of my ex partners might be there tying someone I’m dating. My social life is filled with people I love, and people I consider myself connected to in some polyamorous way. It can be a strange feeling, having so many types of links with people and so many forms of connection but I really wouldn’t change it for all the world.