This is the year that I….
by Mx Ruby-Rouge
Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts will be found at www.polymeansmany.com . This month, our topic is “Resolutions”.
The last time I really celebrated NYE was at the Millennium, where I joined 24,999 fellow pill-heads and danced for 12 hours straight at Gatecrasher’s GC2000 at the now demolished Don Valley Stadium in Sheffield 1. Nothing can top that in terms of party or excess, and I find that my tastes for celebrations have changed dramatically since then.
I’m writing this on NYE 2014, and although I don’t really go in for big NYE celebrations nowadays, I do, like so many others, find myself taking stock of the year just gone, and promising to change things in my life for the better in the year to come. Lots of us make the usual, repeated resolutions: lose weight, get fit, earn more money, do more fun things. How many of us reflect on our relationships and make resolutions to improve in the future?
I’ve had to think really carefully on this topic, because in a lot of ways, I don’t want to change a damn thing: I have an amazing husband and I play with a few friends in a very loving but laid back way. But there’s always room for improvement. There’s always ways to be better at living this lifestyle, and more love to share and receive. So here goes:
#1 Make sure my number 1 is number 1
Continue to invest time and energy into my primary relationship beyond all others. You hierarchy haters can quit right there, my husband is my primary focus, and I need to ensure that he gets the lion’s share of hot dates, shaved legs, quality time and resources. It’s all too easy to let things slide into the mundane routine of life and co-habitation, and focus the energies on the new and shiny. The familiarity of a long time relationship, pressures of multiple jobs and studies can all stand to sap your energy and time to invest in your relationships. Constant vigilance is needed to ensure a balance is kept, and I am resolved to try harder to keep a better balance in 2015.
#2 Invoke the inner hard-ass
In 2015 I will be invoking my inner hardass2 and unless I can do so, I will not actively date or use my online dating profiles.
This summer I dated two people who were against my rules, both turned out to be emotionally immature dickheads and I got hurt both times. In my defence, they both hid things early on, but I did see red flags later and I ignored them because I had already developed feelings for them.
To the asshats who want to date a poly person as a ‘plan b’ whilst searching for the monogamous partner, at least have the courtesy to be honest about that. To the people who hide their many, many suitcases of serious baggage, only to have you turn up for a date and find they are covered in deep cuts from self harming, this is not cool. To those who say ‘let’s be friends’ and then don’t make any effort to do so, go fuck yourself, you spineless shitbags. The common thread here is truth: be honest with people and you can’t go far wrong.
As a result I’ve taken a six month break from dating, and the thick skin, energy and resolve required to throw yourself into the dating pool is not 100% back for me. I am resolved in 2015 that I will not only revisit my internal dating rules, but that I will be more rigorous in applying them, and value my own mental health and worth over any feelings I have for someone. At the end of the day, it is me who has to try and pick up the pieces, to mend my broken heart, to try and let down my barriers and love and trust others again. I can only do so if I am careful about who I open myself up to.
#3 Face my fears
I’ve talked before about being a switch, but most people still see me as a top, and that is how most of my relationships are. Part of my reluctance to search play and relationships is a bottom is that I find it incredibly vulnerable, and much harder to recover from a breakup than when I am a top. Somehow, bottoming is much more emotionally hard for me to allow, and when I do, harder to let the walls come down after being hurt or breaking up (see resolution #2).
I do realise that bottoming is a smaller part of my sexuality than topping, by a long stretch. I do know that fulfilling both aspects of my kinky personality makes me happiest (when done in a secure/emotionally mature connection). Playing as a rope bottom for the first time in 2014 also unleashed something I am unable and quite unwilling to repress: the desire to be tied by people I love. So, I’ll be seeking more of that in 2015, and reconnecting with top partners for those cathartic cp sessions we used to have.
If I end 2015 having adopted, achieved or accomplished some or part of these three goals, I will be happier in love and life. What are your relationship resolutions? What will you be trying to change in 2015?